L'Anneau Misérable
by Citoyenne Jennie Ainsley
Summary: LotR to the Libretto of Les Miserables? More dementia! Huzzah! - PG for Galadriel's language -
1. Prologue

L'Anneau Misérable

by HobbitAinsley

The Author's Note(s) : First and foremost, special thanks to my husband Javert, poor Cosette (we'll get Marius to stop beating you soon...), Whore #4 *grin*, my Tree-O sister, my 13 children, and all the wonderful people who made this summer so much fun - you all get first pick of characters when I convince Cameron Mackintosh to bring this to Broadway. (I, of course, play The Author, but anything else is still completely available – except Frodo who will, of course, be played by Elijah Wood. RrrrrRrrrrRrrrrRrrr... ) 

Secondly this is the *complete* libretto of Les Miserables, so many parts are not necessarily on the CD's you have – unless you own the Complete Symphonic Recording.

Thirdly, umm... hmm... I feel I should make a longer Author's Note, but I can't really think of anything to say, apart from the warning that the following is complete dimentia (but what else could you expect from me ?). Enjoy!

The Year : 1500 of the Second Age of Middle-Earth. Sauron helps forge Rings for all the Free People of Middle-Earth. Little do they know... *bwu-ha-ha*

The Rings of Power:

Look down, look down

Don't look 'em in the eye

Look down, look down,

You'll cause 'em all to die

The Elf-Lords:

The sun is strong

Why'd we come to this land of woe?

Their Rings:

Look down, look down,

Twenty millennia to go

The Dwarf-Lords:

I'll do no wrong!

Sweet Aulë, hear my prayer!

Their Rings:

Look down, look down,

Sweet Aulë doesn't care

Kings of Men:

I know they'll follow,

I know that they'll be true!

Their Rings:

Look down, look down,

They've all forgotten you

The One Ring:

When I get free ya won't see me

Here for dust!

The Other Rings:

Look down, look down

Don't look 'em in the eye

Sauron takes control of Middle-Earth through the Rings, and begins his rampage. 

Middle-Earth:

How long, oh Lord

Before you let him die?

The Rings:

Look down, look down,

You'll always be a slave

Look down, look down,

You're standing in your grave

The Last Alliance (Unless you count the We Really Mean It, No More Times, Last Chance, Not Helping You Again, We Pinky Swear, Cross Our Heart LAST Alliance at Helm's Deep - *rolls eyes*) of Elves and Men show up to challenge Sauron. After Elendil is killed, Isildur steps forward. 

Isildur

Now bring me the maia by the name of Sauron

Your time is up - 

Your downfall has begun

You know what that means.

Sauron:

Yes, it means I win!

Isildur:

No!

It means you get

To leave this land again!

You are a Dark Lord

Sauron:

I made a little Ring.

Isildur:

You destroyed Middle-Earth.

Sauron:

I'm not called evil for naught.

Morgoth was chained, I was left alone

I had to do something.

Isildur:

You will fall with him

Since you have now killed my daddy.

Sauron:

I know what you're thinking – you'll kill me here

But I… still hold the Ring!

Isildur:

You're going down for what you did - 

We don't appreciate Morgoth's spawn

Yes, you are Morgoth's spawn.

Sauron:

Fool! My name is Sauron!

Isildur:

And I am Isildur

Do not forget my name!

Do not forget me,

Dark Lord of Mordor...

Isildur cuts the Ring from Sauron's finger, Sauron disappears, and Isildur takes the Ring for his own. 

The Rings:

(The Rings watch as Isildur rides off with the Ring, is attacked, and falls into the River Anduin – dead)

Look down, look down

You'll always be a slave

Look down, look down

You're standing in your grave.

The Ring slips from Isildur's dead hand, and floats to the bottom of the river Anduin to plot…

The One Ring:

Freedom is mine. The earth is still.

I feel the wind. I breathe again.

And the sky clears

The world is waking.

Drink from the pool. How clean the taste.

Never forget the years, the waste.

Nor forgive them

For what they've done.

They are the guilty - everyone.

The day begins...

And now lets see

What this new world

Will do for me!

A couple of centuries later, the Ring is pulled from the river by a Stoor named Déagol – unfortunately, he is out fishing with his friend Sméagol…

Déagol:

You have to see

I found it in the river bed

Isn't it very lovely? 

Good luck follows, I said

Sméagol:

Give it to me, Déagol - 

Call it my birthday present!

You're supposed to give people

Stuff on that event!

Déagol:

I already did

Your present you've already seen. 

Why should you get more presents

Than honest men like me?

After killing Déagol for the Ring, Sméagol / Gollum takes the Ring deep within the Misty Mountains and sits around with it for another couple of centuries. The Ring begins to decide that maybe this wasn't the best choice of new masters… 

The Ring:

Now every door is closed to me

Another jail. Another key. Another chain

For when I try to get away

He grabs me back

And uses me to hunt his prey.

In their eyes I see their fear

`We do not want you here.'

MEANWHILE… Bilbo Baggins and his own fellowship of 13 dwarves and a meddlesome wizard encroach on a Goblin's cave.

The Goblin King:

My rooms are full

And I've no supper to spare

We, as a group, eat strangers

And you happen to be there!

Gandalf:

I will not be eaten

Nor will any of my men!

You think you're all so tough

But Istari do have some ken!

We'll leave this house

Or you'll feel the weight of my rod

We're ready to live long lives

Thanks be to God.

The dwarves and Bilbo run for their lives – the dwarves quickly losing Bilbo in the tunnels. 

Bilbo:

And now I know how adventure feels

The goblins always at your heels

It is the quest!

Just for shaking a wizard's hand

And now I'm sent throughout the land

It is the quest!

Like a cur

I walk the street,

The dirt beneath their feet.

The Ring notices Bilbo wandering where it fell away from Gollum. 

The Ring:

Grab me, Sir, for you are weary,

And the goblins roam out there.

Though I'm small and may seem humble

Mighty power I have to share.

I'll bring armies to revere you.

I can simply make you strong,

I can give you what you really want - 

Revenge for pain, revenge for wrong.

Bilbo:

It promised me my fill

I'd have the lion's share

The Ring thrust in my hand

I shoved in a pocket.

Then I met the creature

That "Gollum" of despair

And yet he trusted me.

The old fool trusted me -

He'd done his bit of good

I played the frightened hobbit

And riddled him like I should

But when Gollum began to rage,

I got up in the night.

Took the Ring

Took my flight!

The Ring safely within his pocket, he runs from Gollum and from the Misty Mountains, finding his companions once more. 

Dwalin:

Tell old Thorin what's your story

Balin:

Let us see if he's impressed

Dwalin:

You were hiding with us last night

Balin:

You were part of our mighty quest.

But then, stranger truth than fiction,

When we, from goblins, took our flight

Dwalin:

We couldn't find you 

Anywhere afterwards… 

Bilbo:

…That is right.

For my friends, you left so quickly

One small hobbit slipped your mind. 

You forgot I was with you also

So you left your burglar behind.

But good dwarves, pray do not worry

I escaped the goblin's cave

I even got a present 

From a creature most depraved.

Gandalf overhears this, and approaches Bilbo about his magic ring. 

Gandalf:

But remember this, Mr. Baggins

See in this some higher plan

You must use this magical ring

To become an honest man

By the witness of the Valar

By old Thorin and that Smaug

The Ring has been raised from darkness

I have bought your soul for God!

Years later, after Bilbo's Farewell Speech at his 111st birthday party, Gandalf approaches him and tells him to let the ring go. Astonishing even himself, Bilbo snaps at him, claiming the ring for his own, then has a moment of thoughtfulness. 

Bilbo:

What have I done?

Sweet Jesus, what have I done?

Become a thief in the night,

Become a dog on the run?

And have I fallen so far,

And is the hour so late

That nothing remains but the cry of my hate,

The cries in the dark that nobody hears,

Here where I stand at the turning of the years?

If there's another way to go

I missed it sixty long years ago

It started a war – a friend now a foe

I picked up a Ring and I murdered Bilbo

When it chained me and made myself sold

Just for stealing a handful of gold.

Yet why did I allow that man

To touch my soul and teach me love?

He treated me like any other

He gave me his trust

He called me brother

My life he claims for God above

Can such things be?

For I had come to hate the world

This world that always hated me

Take an eye for an eye!

Turn your heart into stone!

This is all I have lived for!

This is all I have known!

One word from him started the quest

That, long ago, I would've thought a pest

Instead it offered me my freedom - 

I feel my shame inside me like a knife

He told me that I had to let it go,

How does he know?

What spirit comes to move my life?

Is there another way to go?

I am reaching, but I fall

And the night is closing in

And I stare into the void

To the whirlpool of my sin

I'll escape now from the world

From the world of the Ring of Doom 

Bilbo Baggins is nothing now

Another story must begin!

He throws the One Ring to the floor, and runs out of Bag End.


	2. End of the Day Cart Crash

Several years pass, and we get a glimpse of the lives of hobbits in the Shire. 

Shire Hobbits:

At the end of the day you're another day older

And that's all you can say for the life of hobbits

Tend the farm or see the pub - 

And there's certainly no one complaining!

One more day gossiping 'bout – worst is a snub.

Another day to be living.

At the end of the day you're another day bolder

And the shirt on your back is green or its brown

And the mortals hurry past

They don't hear the wise hobbits crying:

"Take some off to relax and settle down!

Little reason for sighing!"

At the end of the day there's another day dawning

And the sun in the morning is waiting to rise

As the sheep play in the field

And the cute little hobbits get cuter

On the table, a warm meal

And our parents are also our tutors and

We're all a pastoral display

At the end of the day!

Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippin, in town for Bilbo's birthday party, gather at the Green Dragon for a pint. 

Frodo:

At the end of the day I did nothing with nothing

Sitting flat on my butt reading under a tree

Sam:

The old Gaffer's back at home

And he spouts every old country cliché 

Pippin:

And we're now here at the pub

Singing in glee!

Hobbits:

And we're counting our blessings!

Random Hobbit Gossip #1:

Have you heard the latest gossip about Bilbo today?

About the wealth hidden away in Bag End?

Hobbit Gossiper #2:

Lucky for Frodo he didn't stay

Hobbit Gossiper #3:

Take a look at his wealth – we hope that he'll spend!

Hobbit Gossiper #4:

And Frodo, he never knows

That we hobbits all think him quite cracked

Hobbit Gossiper #5:

If Frodo doesn't look out, watch how he goes - 

A quest he'll attract!

Workers:

At the end of the day it's another day over

With enough in your pocket to last for a week

Pay the landlord, pay the pub

Keep on giggling as long as you're able

Keep on drinking till you drop

Or go back to dancing on the table

You've got to enjoy your way

At the end of the day!

Gandalf, wondering about Bilbo's Ring, goes to the Gondorian libraries to read more about the One Ring.

Gandalf: 

(Grabbing a piece of parchment from the stack)

And what have we here, among innocent letters?

Come on Isildur, let's have all the news!

Ooh... "That evil Sauron has killed off my daddy...

Now I've killed off him...

And his Ring I will not lose!"

We transition back and watch Isildur and Elrond at the Cracks of Doom. 

Elrond:

Put that Ring in the fire

It is not for your keeping!

With your brother at home

And a kingdom to rule!

There is nobody here

Who can swear before God

He can handle the Ring - 

It is just that evil and cruel. 

Elrond begins to walk away, but notices that Isildur hasn't thrown the Ring in the fire yet. 

Will someone tear these two apart?

What is this doubting all about?

This is a volcano, not an auction!

Now come on Isildur, put it down

I am a soldier of Gil-Galad

I am an Elf-lord of renown. 

I look to you to throw this out

And do it swiftly as you can-

Isildur:

Now I think its time I ran!

Gandalf:

(Looking over the parchments more)

At the end of the day

He's the one who began it

There was a Ring that he put

Around his neck. 

There's a Ring that could destroy

You can guess how he bit the dust

You can bet the Ring was still

In the River…

And its boss wasn't dead yet!

Gandalf reads further into the document. 

Isildur:

Yes it's true there's a Ring

And the Ring is my Precious

And it appears to be nothing but

Simple and gold. 

Except when it's put to a flame

Then the Elvish words came

Yet it's not hot to hold. 

Gandalf:

At the end of the day

It'll be nothing but trouble

And there's trouble for all

When there's trouble from one!

While they're earning their daily bread

The hobbits live in mortal danger

He must take the Ring away

Or they're going to meet a powerful stranger

And it's all who'll have to pay

At the end of the day!

I might have known the Ring still lived

I might have known the Ring was his

I might have guessed that little secret

Ah, yes, Bilbo's magical Ring

Heaven knows what evil it will bring - 

It is the cause I had no doubt

Of any trouble hereabout

He said he found it in the light

But it will kill us all by night.

I must get back to Frodo

As quick as I can

It'll be nothing but trouble again and again

I must warn him today!

(to his horse, upon setting out for the Shire)

Right my girl. On your way!

The One Ring, realizing that it is on its way to imminent doom and destruction (as well as realizing that the story will soon become plot heavy, and the Ring will not be given many opportunities to sing), sings a tragic song...

The One Ring:

There was a time when I seemed kind

When my voices were soft

And their words inviting

There was a time when I could blind

And the world was a song

And the song was exciting

There was a time

Then it all went wrong

I dreamed a dream in time gone by

When hope was high

And life worth living

I dreamed that power would never die

I dreamed the carnage I'd be giving

Then I was young and unafraid

And lives were made and used and wasted

There was no ransom to be paid

No song unsung, no wine untasted

But that wizard came at night

With his tale soft as thunder

As he tore my hope apart

And he turned my dream to shame

I slept a summer by Sauron's side

We filled their days with endless horror

Isildur took my Dark Lord in his stride

And he was gone when autumn came

And still I dream he'll come to me

That we will live the years together

But there are dreams that cannot be

And there are storms we cannot weather

I had a dream my life would be

So different from this hell I'm living

So different now from what it seemed

Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.

The Nazgûl begin their hunt for Frodo and the Ring

Nazgûl #1: I smell hobbits

Smell 'em in the air

Think I'll stab the stuffing

Out of that mattress over there

Nazgûl #2:  Lovely hobbits

Soon their untimely deaths occur. 

Seven thousand years

Can make you hungry for murder

Nazgûl #3:

Even undead need some massacre!

Nazgûl:

Tracking Nazgûl

Waiting for a bite

Scaring little children

Since we only come at night

Shrieking Nazgûl

Ready for the call

Mortal men or Elvish Kings

Or any creep at all

Quick and cheap – we're kings of the maul!

Gandalf:

(to Frodo)

Come here, my dear

Let's see this trinket you bear

This Ring of Power...

Frodo:

Gandalf, I'll give it to you...

Gandalf:

Get it out of here!

Frodo:

Gandalf, what's got into you?

Gandalf:

I'll let you know: You're got the Ring of Power. You must destroy.

Frodo:

What do I do?

Gandalf:

Go to Mount Doom.

Frodo:

Please take it yourself.

Gandalf:

I really can't. 

Frodo, just try to stay alive!

Gandalf runs off to talk with Saruman. Frodo gears up and prepares to head out with the Ring. 

Nazgûl:

Hunting Nazgûl

Waiting in the dark

Ready for a thick one

Or a quick one in the park

Nazgûl #1: 

Long death, short death

Any death, my dear - 

This is all that we do, 

If we want to take all year!

All:

If you like to murder, think Nazgûl for a career!

Nazgûl #1

God, I'm weary!

Sick enough to drop.

Belly burns like fire -

Will the killing ever stop?

The Witch-King:

Cheer up, Nazz-ie.

Show a frightful face. 

Plenty more cursed undead if you can't keep up the pace!

Nazgûl #1

Only joking – Nazz-ie knows his place...

Pippin and Merry are wandering Farmer Maggot's land, checking out his crops. 

Pippin:

What nice mushrooms!

What sweet corn and lettuce blooms

What luck we've got. They'll make a wonderful stew.

I'll take the lot

While running away from Farmer Maggot's dogs, Merry and Pippin bump into Frodo. 

Sam:

Don't touch him! Leave him alone!

Merry:

Let's stick real close.

That rider was looking for you - 

Just think of that!

Frodo:

I need some friends. 

Pippin:

Hey, wot was that?

Frodo:

What can I do? I need some friends - 

They'll keep me from my untimely end!

Nazgûl #3:

Frightful Nazgûl!

Fastest on the street

Caught the Ring-scent in three minutes

And was back up on his feet

Nazgûl #1:

Join the Nazgûls!

Live a life of dread!

Doesn't take a lot of savvy

Just to be undead

Come on, Nazz-ies

What's a Nazgûl for? 

Frodo, Merry, and Pippin arrive at Bree, and question Butterbur as to the identity of the strange man in the corner staring at them.

Frodo:  Give me the dirt, who's that bit over there?

Butterbur: A 'Ranger' called – he's got one frightful glare.

I've got a hunch – he's with the bad guys

Frodo: You never know -  

Could be a King in disguise

Come on, Strider, come along and join us!

Come on, Strider!

Frodo trips while singing, and accidentally puts on the Ring. While under its spell, the Ring sings to him…

The Ring:

Come on Frodo, why all the fuss?

You're no grander than the rest of us

Life has dropped you at the bottom of the heap

Join your brothers

The Witch-King

Serve Sauron in your sleep!

As the Nazgûl sneak into the room disguised to look like the hobbits' room – 

The Ring:

That's right Frodo, let them have the lot

Aragorn:

(From his room)

That's right Frodo, show them where you're not!

Nazgûl:

Old men, young men, kill 'em as they come

Harbor rats and alley cats and every kind of scum

Poor men, rich men, leaders of the land

See them with their heads cut off 

They're never quite as grand

All it takes is a cursed Ring in your hand!

Freaky Nazgûl

Going for a song

Got a lot of critics

But they never last for long

Aragorn:

Come on, Witch-King,

You ain't the only one with a crown.

Don't it make a change

To have an enemy not back down?

Easy targets

Flaming torches to the head

Just as well they never see

The hate that's in your head

Why, oh why, though are all of my enemies undead?!

Aragorn grabs Frodo, and the small Fellowship starts trudging towards Rivendell. Meanwhile, in the stables of Rivendell… 

Arwen:

(Overhears talk of rescuing Frodo, and notices Glorfindel heading to Asfaloth) 

Here's something new. I think I'll give it a try.

Hey, Glorry - you! You may be a great guy...

But now its time for this primed maiden to fly - 

Glorfindel: He's not rescued by you. No, no, Arwen, let me go.

Arwen: Is this a trick? I won't wait more!

Glorfindel: No, not at all!

Arwen:

You've got some nerve,

you First-Age bore

You've got some gall!

It's the same with the Elves 

as it is with the Mortals

I get to have fun,

you make yourself scant. 

It's not for the geezer to say 

`yes ma'am' or `no ma'am'

It's not for the cretin

to pick and to choose

Or to tell me I can't!

She clubs him upside the head with Elrond's Last Alliance sword – he slashes her cheek with his. 

Glorfindel:

I'll kill you, you idiot,

try any of that!

Even an Elf who was killed by a balrog  

Won't be upstaged by a rat!

Arwen:

By Elrond, you'll pay for what you've done

This rat will make you bleed, you'll see!

I guarantee, I'll make you suffer

For this disturbance of the peace

For this insult to life and property!

Glorfindel:

I beg you, don't report me, miss

I'll do whatever you may want

Arwen:

Make your excuse to my daddy!

Elrond enters, accompanied by constables.

Elrond:

Tell me quickly what's the story

Whoever saw must quick respond

Let him give a full description

Let him answer to Elrond!

In this land of Elvish refuge

Let one speak who saw it all

Who laid hands on my sweet daughter here?

What's the substance of this brawl?

Arwen:

Daddy, would you believe it

I was crossing from the park

When this First-Age elf attacked me

You can see he left his mark

Elrond:

He will answer for his actions

When you make a full report

You may rest assured, sweetie,

That he will answer to the court.

Glorfindel:

(Frustrated that, still, no one has gone to get Frodo in all this time)

There's a hobbit who sorely needs me

Please Elrond, he's but that high

Holy God, is there no mercy?

If I wait much more, he'll die!

Elrond:

I have heard such protestations

Every day for ten thousand years

Let's have no more explanations

Save your breath and save your tears

Honest work, just reward,

That's the way to please the Lord.

Glorfindel collapses in frustration, Arwen nances off smugly, Elrond orders his sons Elrohir and Elladan to lock Glorfindel in his room. The Heretofore Silent Author steps forward. 

The Author:

A moment of your time, Elrond

Sorry to interrupt again… 

Elrond:

(Trying to figure out where the author came from)

What the ?!

The Author:

You've done your duty, let him be

Frodo needs some help, not Arwen

Elrond:

What the ?!

Glorfindel:

Can this be?

The Author:

Where will he end -

This hobbit without a friend?

I've seen your face before

Show me some way to help you

How have you come to grief

In a place such as this?

Glorfindel:

Good Author, don't mock me now, I pray

It's hard enough I've lost my pride

You let Peter Jackson send me away

Yes, you were there, and turned aside

I never did no wrong

The Author:

Is it true, what I have done?

Glorfindel:

Poor Frodo's close to dying...

The Author:

To an innocent soul?

Glorfindel:

If there's a God above

The Author:

Had I only known then...

Glorfindel:

He'd let Arwen die instead.

The Author:

In His name my task has just begun

I will see it done!

Elrond:

But Madame Author…?

The Author:

I will see it done!

Elrond:

The _actual _plot…?

The Author:

I will see it… what? Oh, the _plot. Whoops._

Random Elvish People Near the Fords of Bruinen:

Look out! It's a runaway horse!

The gathered crowd looks to the direction of the noise - because of their lack of attention (errr… sorry), Frodo has ridden to the Fords by himself, but is now caught by the lure of the Ring and the Nazgûl on the opposite shore.

Voices

Look at that!

Look at that!

It's Master Frodo Baggins!

Don't approach! Don't go near!

At the risk of your life!

He is caught by the Nazgûl!

Oh, the pitiful man!

Stay away, Turn away!

There is nothing to do!

There is nothing to do!

Gandalf:

Is there anyone here

Who will rescue the man?

Who will help me to drown

All of the Ringwraiths?

Voices

Don't go near him, Mithrandir

The Wraiths are as evil as hell

The old hobbit's a goner for sure

They will kill you as well.

Gandalf and Elrond together manage to wash the Nazgûl away and rescue Frodo. 

Frodo:

Gandalf the Grey, I have no words

You come from God, you are a saint.


	3. Council to Balrog

Boromir, who has come to Rivendell to seek the answer to his dream (well, his brother's dream, then his dream, but who's counting, right?) watches Aragorn with suspicion. 

Boromir:

Can this be true?

I don't believe what I see!

A man your age

To be as strong as you are!

A mem'ry stirs...

You make me think of a man

From years ago            

A man who served our army. 

He disappeared… 

Forgive me, Sir,

I would not dare!

Aragorn:

Say what you must

Don't leave it there...

Boromir:

I have only known one other

Who can do what you have done

He served Gondor as "Thorongil",  

Now a Ranger on the run

But the soldiers all would rumor

He looked just like Isildur

Which would, of course, mean no other

But he could claim our throne for sure.

But, of course, we haven't seen him

And Gondor is running fair

But it still causes one to wonder -

Whatever became of Isildur's heir?!

Aragorn:

You say this man denied it all

And gave no sign of understanding or acceptance?

You say this man disappeared some years ago

And that he's never been seen again

To make your acquaintance?

Come to that, can you be sure,

That I am not your man?

Boromir:

The stewards have ruled for ages

Managing the land through thick and thin

What need have we for a King

Especially one from way back when?

Kings will bend, kings will break

This time there is no mistake.

Boromir leaves, and Aragorn is left alone to ponder his life and his future. 

Aragorn:

He doesn't know that man is me

He never saw him, not a glance!

Doesn't think he could be the heir - 

This slight could be my chance!

Why should I not just hide?

Why should I right this wrong

When I have come so far

And struggled for so long?

If I speak, I am condemned.

If I stay silent, I am damned!

I am the Ranger for hundreds of hobbits.

They all look to me.

How can I abandon them?

How would they live

If I am not free?

If I speak, I am condemned.

If I stay silent, I am damned!

Who am I?  

Can I condemn Middle-Earth to slavery

Pretend I do not feel its agony

The stewards may be there in place

But Kingship is not meant for their race

Who am I?

Can I conceal myself forevermore?

Pretend I'm not the man I was before?

And must my name until I die

Be no more than an alibi?

Must I lie?

How can I ever face my fellow men?

How can I ever face myself again?

My soul belongs to God, I know

I made that bargain long ago

I must claim the place to which I was born

Save my land from being torn… 

He suddenly appears at the Council of Elrond before Boromir and the rest of the group. (Now that would be a fun set change…)

Who am I? Who am I?

I'm Aragorn!

Legolas:

(At the council, because Courtney would beat me if I didn't give Legolas a solo)

And so Boromir, you see it's true

That man is way more royalty than you!

Aragorn:

Who am I?

I am Isildur's heir!

Spoken to Gandalf:

Let's get this quest started!

The Fellowship sets out from Rivendell and, eventually, must make their way through the Mines of Moria. 

Gollum:

(In the darkness of Moria, hunting the Fellowship)

Precious, it's turned so cold

Precious, it's past your bedtime

You've played the day away

And soon it will be night.

Come to me, Precious, the light is fading

Don't you see the evening star appearing?

Come to me, and rest against my shoulder

How fast the minutes fly away and every minute colder.

Hurry near, another day is dying

Don't you hear, the winter wind is crying?

There's a darkness which comes without a warning

But I will sing you lullabies and wake you in the morning.

Gandalf:

Oh, Frodo, our time is running out

But Frodo, I swear this on my life

Frodo: 

Look, Gandalf, that gangly creature there!

Gandalf:

Be at peace, be at peace evermore.

Frodo:

But Gandalf...?

Gandalf:

Stay in Aragorn's protection

Frodo:

But Gandalf…?

Gandalf:

He's not the Future King for nothing

Frodo:

But Gandalf, where will you be going?

Gandalf:

There are some forces in this world

Against which I am testing...

Frodo:

Take the Ring. I feel I'm growing colder.

Gandalf:

Forgive each and every man… 

Frodo:

Angst this moment – it'll be nearly worth an Oscar.

Gandalf:

That is, indeed, my plan. 

Frodo:

For God's sake, please return in the second movie

And tell The Author that I love her

And I'll see her when I wake...

Frodo looks up – what the ?! The Author bats her eyelashes innocently… 

The Balrog:

Gandalf, at last,

We see each other plain

The Brave Maia

You'll feel my mighty flame!

Gandalf:

Before you say another word, Balrog

Before we battle it out to the death - 

Listen to me! There is something I must do.

This hobbit carries with him a Ring of Evil.

There is none but me who can intercede,

In Mercy's name, three months are all I need.

Then I'll return, I pledge my word.

Then I'll return...

The Balrog:

You must think me mad!

I've waited here across the years

Maia like you can never change

A maia such as you.

Valjean: (in counterpoint)

Believe of me what you will

There is a duty that I'm sworn to do

You know nothing of my life

You would sooner see me dead

But not before I see this justice done

I am warning you, Balrog

I'm a stronger force by far

There is power in me yet

My race is not yet run

I am warning you Balrog

There is nothing I won't dare

If I have to kill you here

I'll do what must be done!

The Balrog: (in counterpoint)

Maia like me can never change

Maia like you can never change

No, Mithrandir the Grey…

My duty's to myself - you have no say

Come with me, you 'mighy' Istar

Now the wheel has turned around

Gandalf the Grey is nothing now

Dare you talk to me of pain

And the price you had to pay

I'm the bloody fire demon

I'm a force that's in your way!

You know nothing of balrogs!

I will turn you into smog!

I was born with scum like you

I am of the Ainur, too!

Gandalf holds his staff aloof to counter the Balrog's flaming whip. Pausing a moment, he turns back to the Fellowship.

Gandalf: 

And this I swear to you tonight

Balrog: (to Gandalf)

There is no place for you to hide

Gandalf:

For the next few weeks, take care

Balrog:

Wherever you may hide away

Gandalf:

And I will be back here, after the light.

Gandalf & Balrog:

I swear to you, I will be there!

Gandalf and the Balrog fall into the great abyss. Frodo screeches "Nooooo!" Gimli has to be held back by Boromir. Legolas looks confused – but he does it rather prettily. Merry comforts the sobbing Pippin. The Author just sobs…  


	4. Lothlorien to Two Towers

In the ensuing sob-fest, we turn to a certain Elf-lord of Lorien, wandering the woods…

Haldir:

There is a castle in a tree,

Safe and carefree from all attack,

Aren't any Orcs for me to whack,

Not in my castle in a tree.

There is a room that's full of arms,

Arrows and bows – an Elf-lord's charms,

Nobody shouts by her decree,

Not in my castle in a tree.

There is a lady all in white,

Smiles and sings a lullaby,

She's nice to see and she's soft to touch,

She says "Haldir, I love you very much."

I know a place where no one's lost,

I know a place where no one cries,

Crying is bad, we all agree,

It's not in my castle in a tree.

Oh help! I think I hear him now,

and I'm ever so frightened after what he did to poor Glorfindel!

Oh, it's him! It's Peter Jackson!

Peter Jackson:

Now look who's here

The little Elf-lord himself!

Pretending once again he's been `so awfully good,'

Better not let me catch you slacking

Better not catch my eye!

Arwen, I feel, needs a bigger part - 

Did I just hear you reply?

Now take that bow

My little `Vëo'

And go and save Helm's Deep from the Uruk flow!

I should never have put you in in the first place

How stupid the things that we do!

Who needs another Elf when we've got a good one right here?!

Dear Arwen, come my love, dear Arwen, let me see you

You look very well in that little blue hat

There's some little elves who know how to behave

And they know what to wear

And I'm saying thank Eru for that.

Still there Haldir?

I hate to hear you weep!

I told you to get going – you must die at Helm's Deep!

Haldir:

Please do not send me out alone

Not in the darkness on my own!

Peter Jackson:

Enough of that, or I'll forget to be nice!

You heard me ask for something,

And I never ask twice!

Movie Arwen shoves Haldir out the door, then "sneakily" follows him. The Fellowship arrives in Lothlorien, and Celeborn shows up to greet his guests.

Elves of Lothlorien

Come on you old pest

Fetch a bottle of your best

What's the nectar for your whim?

Celeborn enters with a flask of limpë

Celeborn:

Here, try this lot

Guaranteed to hit the spot

Or I'm not Lord of the Galadhrim!

Elves:

Gissa glass a rum

Tree-Lord, over here!

Celeborn:

(to himself)

Right away, you scum 

(to Elves)

Right away, good sir! 

More Elves:

God this place is hard to find

So you tell me every year

Yet More Elves:

Mine host Celeborn

He was there I'll be sworn

At Nirnaeth Arnoediad

Got there, it's true

When the fight was all through

But he knew just what to do

Crawling through the mud

So I've heard it said

Picking through the pockets

Of the Elvish dead

He made a tidy score

From the spoils of war

Celeborn:

My band of soaks

My den of dissolutes

My dirty jokes, my always pissed as newts.

My sons of whores

Spent their lives in my inn

Homing pigeons homing in

They fly through my doors

And their money's as good as yours

An Elf:

Ain't got a clue

What he put in this stew

Must have scraped it off the street

Another Elf: 

God what limpë!

Just real wine in bad decay 

Must have pressed it with his feet

Where Do All These Elves Come From?:

Landlord over here!

Where's the bloody man?

One more for the road!

One more slug o' gin.

Elf-Maid:

Just one more, or my old man is gonna do me in.

Celeborn greets the Fellowship as they arrive at Cerin Amroth. Butterbur, out of nowhere, shows up with a tankard of ale and some hobbit tarts – sadly, the Author remembers that she had promised him "Master of the House". She offers him some limpë, then heads him back towards Bree. 

Celeborn:

Welcome, M'sieur

Sit yourself down

And meet the best

Innkeeper in town

As for the rest,

All of 'em crooks

Rooking their guests

And cooking the books.

Seldom do you see

Honest men like me

A gent of good intent

Who's content to be

Master of the house

Doling out the charm

Ready with a handshake

And an open palm

Tells a saucy tale

Makes a little stir

Customers appreciate a bon-viveur

Glad to do a friend a favor

Doesn't cost me to be nice

But nothing gets you nothing

Everything has got a little price!

Master of the house

Keeper of the zoo

Ready to relieve 'em

Of a coin or two

Watering the wine

Making up the weight

Pickin' up their knick-knacks

When they can't see straight

Everybody loves a landlord

Everybody's bosom friend

I do whatever pleases

Eru! Won't I bleed 'em in the end!

Celeborn & Elves

Master of the house

Quick to catch yer eye

Never wants a passerby

To pass him by

Servant to the poor

Butler to the great

Comforter, philosopher,

And lifelong mate!

Everybody's boon companion

Everybody's chaperone

Celeborn:

But lock up your valises

Eru! Won't I skin you to the bone!

(To Another Group of Elves Who Have Mysteriously Appeared)

Enter M'sieur

Lay down your load

Unlace your boots

And rest from the road

This weighs a ton

Travel's a curse

But here we strive

To lighten your purse

Here the goose is cooked

Here the fat is fried

And nothing's overlooked

Till I'm satisfied...

Food beyond compare

Food beyond belief

Mix it in a mincer

And pretend it's beef

Kidney of a horse

Liver of a cat

Filling up the sausages

With this and that

Residents are more than welcome

Bridal suite is occupied

Reasonable charges

Plus some little extras on the side!

Charge 'em for the lice

Extra for the mice

Two percent for looking in the mirror twice

Here a little slice

There a little cut

Three percent for sleeping with the window shut

When it comes to fixing prices

There are a lot of tricks he knows

How it all increases

All those bits and pieces

Eru! It's amazing how it grows!

Celeborn & Elves

Master of the house

Quick to catch yer eye

Never wants a passerby

To pass him by

Servant to the poor

Butler to the great

Comforter, philosopher,

And lifelong mate!

Everybody's boon companion

Gives 'em everything he's got

Celeborn:

Dirty bunch of geezers

Eru! What a sorry little lot!

Galadriel:

I used to dream

That I would meet a prince

But God Almighty,

Have you seen what's happened since?

`Master of the house?'

Isn't worth me spit!

`Comforter, philosopher'

- and lifelong shit!

Cunning little brain

Regular Manwë

Thinks he's quite a lover

But he's barely okay… 

What a cruel trick of nature

Landed me with such a louse

God knows how I've lasted

Living with this bastard in the house!

Celeborn & Elves:

Master of the house!

Galadriel:

Master and a half!

Celeborn & Elves: 

Comforter, philosopher

Galadriel:

Ah, don't make me laugh!

Celeborn & Elves:

Servant to the poor. Butler to the great.

Galadriel:

Hypocrite and toady and inebriate!

Celeborn & Elves:

Everybody bless the landlord!

Everybody bless his spouse!

Celeborn:

Everybody raise a glass

Galadriel:

Raise it up the master's ass.

All:

Everybody raise a glass to the master of the house!

Frodo, wandering in the woods of Lothlorien, comes across Galadriel near a large pan of water – the Mirror of Galadriel. Completely out of character, considering her last song (welcome to the wonderful world of parodies), she sings… 

Galadriel:

Hush now. Do not be afraid of me. 

Don't cry. Show me where you live. 

Tell me my child, what is your name? 

Frodo: I'm called Frodo.

Galadriel refuses the Ring, then leads Frodo out of the woods. 

After traveling down the River Anduin for awhile, Aragorn finally reaches a decision about how the quest will proceed. 

Aragorn:

I saw us wandering in the wood

Our little band, I saw us trembling in the shadows

And I am here to help Frodo

And I will settle any foe who may come our way

I will do what I must do

To see the Ring destroyed.

There is a duty I must heed,

There is a promise I have made

For I was blind to one in need

I did not see what stood before me

Now our leader is with God

Gandalf's suffering is over

And I speak here with his voice

And I stand here in his place

And from this day and evermore

Merry & Pippin:

We shall follow you, good sir.

Valjean:

The quest shall go in my protection

Sam:

We are glad to have you here

Aragorn:

I will not forsake my vow

Gimli:

You have my axe!

Legolas:

You have my bow!

Aragorn:

Our quest shall have a leader now!

Frodo, during this song, was wandering around Amon Hen alone – unsure of how to proceed. Boromir, however, sees him wandering and offers a solution. 

Boromir:

What to do? What to say?

Shall you carry our treasure away?

What a gem! What a pearl!

Beyond rubies is our gold circle!

How can we speak of destroying?

Let's not haggle for the precious Ring!

Evil Sauron, not yet at rest...

Are we doing what truly is best?

Destroy the Ring? Destroy this gift?

Using it, our vict'ry could be swift!

So very swift, Frodo!

Frodo:

Your feelings do you credit, sir

Then I will ease your worried mind 

The ring is evil – it brings sickness, and lust, and greed.

Now, may I say, we are agreed?

Boromir:

That would quite fit the bill

But Gondor has so often been ill

Saruman cost us men -

Armies don't just appear from the glen.

Not that I wouldn't give it back

We'd just use it for one small attack!

One thing more, one small doubt

Sauron's weapon has mighty clout.

No offense. Please reflect - 

Your intentions may not be correct!

Frodo:

No more words. Here's my choice:

I'm going alone after hearing your voice.

Come, Precious, say goodbye

Let us seek out some friendlier sky.

Thank you, Boz, for this threat

It won't take you too long to forget.

Frodo runs in terror, reaches the waterfront, and tries to sneak away in a boat. Sam, however, has stowed away on the boat, and begins to sing.

Sam: 

Listen, Frodo,

I'm sincere.

From now on I will always be here

Where you go, I will be.

Frodo:

Will there be lava and torture to see?

Sam:

Yes, Frodo, yes, it's true.

There's a mountain just waiting for you.

Frodo: 

(A candid spoken moment – note the sarcasm)

Gee… you always know what to say to cheer me up, Sam.

Frodo and Sam:

La la la la la...

Frodo and Sam paddle away; Merry and Pippin are taken by Orcs; Boromir is slain trying to defend them; and Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli decide to leave Frodo and Sam to their own devises and rather chase after Merry and Pippin. Everyone caught up? Good.


	5. Two Towers to Treebeard

Frodo and Sam paddle away; Merry and Pippin are taken by Orcs; Boromir is slain trying to defend them; and Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli decide to leave Frodo and Sam to their own devises and rather chase after Merry and Pippin. Everyone caught up? Good. 

Random People of a Race Still Undetermined By the Author

Look here and see – already at "Two Towers"!

Look here and show some surprise if you can.

Look here and thank God for shows with three hours - 

Look here, The Author might make it through it all!

Treebeard: 

(Other Ents hoom-hooming in the background)

How do you do? My name's Treebeard.

These are my people. Here's my patch.

Not much to look at, never cleared

Nothing that you'd call up to scratch.

This is my school, my high society

Here in the woods of old Fangorn

We live on crumbs of humble piety

Tough as nails – the Oldest born!

Think you're strong?

Think you're free?

Much too hasty! Much too hasty!

Random People of a Race Still Undetermined By the Author

Look here and show some surprise if you can

Look here, look here, upon all our new clans… 

The Orcs and Uruks who have captured Merry and Pippin get into a squabble. 

Ugly Uruk of Saruman:

What you think yer at?

Hanging round the hobbits?

If you're new around here, boy

You've got a lot to learn!

Ugly Orc of Sauron:

Listen you old bat...

Crazy bloody witch...

Starving to death for three days - 

Want some fresh meat in return!

Not Quite as Ugly, But Nonetheless Still Not Quite "Frodo-rgeous" Orc of Sauron:

I know what you want!

Gnaw up all their bones!

Disregard the orders 

And then blame it on clones. 

Éomer and Rohirrim: 

Leave none alive -

Move it, you old beast!

We will chop all your heads' off

And we'll make you all deceased. 

Merry and Pippin:

When's it gonna end?

When we gonna live?

Something's gotta happen now or

Something's gonna give

It'll come, it'll come, it'll come

It'll come, it'll come, it'll come

They run into Fangorn Forest. MEANWHILE…

Legolas:

Where the leaders of the land?

Where are the swells who run this show?

Aragorn:

Only one man - and that's Théoden

Rules o'er the people here below.

Éomer:

See our horses run

Banished out of shame

Simply for trying to save

The King from Gríma's game

All of his, evil games…

Random Rohirrim Warriors:

(Who else thinks the idea of Rohirric warriors chanting is hilarious?)

Evil games, evil games, evil games…

Éomer:

Théoden is ill and fading fast!

Won't last the week out, so they say.

With all the anger in the land

How long before the judgment day?

Before we cut that Gríma down to size?

Before the battle-screams arise?

Random Adorable Rohirric Child: 

Watch out for old Gríma Wormtongue

Got all of Rohan on the make

Once the King's advisor, down the way

Now he's a swine and no mistake

He's got a gang

The bleeding layabout

Even a crush on the King's niece – the fair. 

That's Éowyn, she knows her way about

Only a kid, but hard to scare

Do we care?

Not a cuss

Long live us.

Long live us!

Random People of a Race Still Undetermined By the Author

Look here and show some surprise if you can

Look here, look here, upon all our new clans… 

Turning our attention from Rohan to Emyn Muil for the moment, we watch Sméagol and Gollum talking with themself as they await Frodo and Sam. 

Sméagol:

Everyone here, you know your place

We'll get back our Precious!

You, Gollum the Great, watch for Samwise

With Baggins you take care - 

I'll turn on the tears

No mistakes, my dears

Gollum:

These bloody hobbits with the Ring

Here they come sneaking once again

First time he came, should've broke his feet

Stupid Sméagol didn't have a brain… 

Frodo and Sam walk by. 

Gollum: 

(Trying to look innocently friendly)

Hey, Frodo B, what's up today?

I haven't seen you much about.

(Tries to grab the Ring)

Sam:

(Ties Gollum up)

Trying to kill Frodo gives me chagrin!

Frodo:

Aw, Samwise, just let him out!

Gollum:

Here, wotcher do going to Mordor?

Don't forget, I was a Ringbearer, too!

Don't judge a hobbit on how he looks.

I know a lot of things, I do!

Frodo: 

Poor old Gollum, the things you know - 

It wouldn't help on quests like these.

Gollum:

I can get you into Mordor!

Frodo:

Won't you be our leader, please?

Gollum:

(to himself)

Little he knows!

Little he sees!

Peter Jackson lurks in the bushes as the hobbits and Gollum approach the Forbidden Pool. 

Peter Jackson:

(to Arwen, waiting nearby)

Here's the old boy. Stay on the job and watch out for The Author.

Movie Faramir:

Stay out of this.

Book Faramir:

But MovieFaz…

Movie Faramir:

You'll be in trouble here

It's not your concern

You'll be in the clear

He pushes Book Faramir away.

Book Faramir:

Who is that hobbit?

Movie Faramir:

Leave us alone!

Book Faramir:

Why is he here? Hey, MovieFaz!

While trying to talk with Movie Faramir, he bumps into Frodo and Sam, who have been walking by. He bows politely. 

Book Faramir:

I didn't see you there, forgive me.

Movie Faramir:

(Rolls his eyes, and grabs Frodo and Sam by the throat)

Ringbearer, come this way

Gondor's a land that ain't eaten today.

Save a life, give up the Ring

Or else feel the weight of my sword swing.

Wait a bit. Know that face.

Ain't the world a remarkable place?

Men like me can be severe - 

You're the bastard who killed Boromir!

Movie Faramir grabs Frodo, rips open his shirt, and pulls the Ring out onto his sword tip. 

Frodo:

What is this? Are you mad?

No, Faramir, you don't know what you do!

Movie Faramir:

You know me, you know me.

I'll take that Ring from you.

Arwen:

Faramir! Disappear!

Run for it! It's the Author!

The Author, heretofore content with merely stepping in to help settle an argument between Glorfindel and Arwen, finds herself obliged to help again. She growls at Movie Faramir, Arwen, and company. 

The Author:

Another change in the square

Another stink in the air!

Was there a witness to this? 

Well, let him speak to The Author!

Good sir, the text is not safe,

But let these vermin beware

We'll see that justice is done!

(To Frodo)

Look upon this fine collection

Crawled from underneath a stone

This swarm of worms and maggots

Could have picked you to the bone!

(Motions to Arwen)

I know this elf over here

I know her name and her trade

And on your witness, good sir,

We'll see her suitably paid.

The Author lets Frodo and Sam depart, but realizes that one of the gang has snuck off as well. 

But where's the gentleman gone?

And why on earth did he run?

Movie Faramir:

You will have a job to catch him

He's the guy who's on the run. 

Our plot changes are merely written

By the director Pete Jackson!

The Author:

Could it be that sweet old Kiwi

Has made the changes I detest?

Heard my name and started running

For making Faramir a pest. 

And the girl who stood beside him

Also grates upon my nerves

Must I really blame Peter Jackson?

Or is it New Line that deserves?

Movie Faramir:

Since we're not the ones to blame here,

Dear, sweet Author, may we go?

And remember when you've nicked him,

It was me who told you so!

The Author:

Let the old man keep on running

I will run him off his feet!

Everyone about your business!

Clear this garbage off the street!

The Author:

There, out in the darkness

Peter Jackson is running

Fallen from grace

Fallen from grace

God be my witness

I never shall yield

Till we come face to face

Till we come face to face

He knows his way in the dark

Mine is the way of Tolkien

And those who follow the path of the text

Have proved their own mien.

And if they fall

As Sauron will fall

The flame

The sword!

'Hope'

In your multitudes

Often to be mentioned

Filling the script pages

With symbols that I 

And other fanatics 

Understand so happily - 

Listening close to the script

Listening close to the script. 

He got Hobbiton so right

And Rivendell, the Balrog's flame

And even dear old

Gandalf the Grey

Is always the same

And yet he fell with Arwen the Fell

And Faramir – the lame!

And so it has been and so it is written

The worst of the Murphy's Laws - 

That even the greatest of wonderful movies

Must have its flaws!

Lord let me find him

That I may get Arwen

To say her farewell!

I will never rest

Till then

This I swear

This I swear by 'estel'!

Peter Jackson: 

That old Author thinks she's something

But it's me who runs this show!

With my plot-changes never ending

Arwen's part will merely grow

Trust PJ, have no fear

Don't you worry, Liv Tyler dear,

You can always find me here!

The Author attempts to throw something at Pete, but he scurries off. Alone, on the stage, she sings…

The Author:

The Plot! Now I remember!

The Plot! How can it be?

I find myself stuck in a tangent

(Tries to look innocent) 

Who would've thought it of me...?


	6. Treebeard to Attack Helm's Deep

Merry and Pippin meet up with Treebeard. 

Treebeard: 

Good God! Ooh, what a rumpus!

Merry: 

That smoke, what can it be?

Treebeard: 

That wizard! He'd like to break us

But he ain't smart, not he.

Merry:

Oh Treebeard, what is this fight?

Treebeard:

Some pointless mortal stupid thing!

Merry:

Oh Treebeard, fight it with us!

Treebeard:

What will you give me?

Merry:

Anything!

Treebeard:

Got you all excited now,

But God knows what you see in war

Ain't you all rushed and hasty now

No, I don't want any part of that, sir...

Pippin:

Good Treebeard! Do this for us...

Drop us off where Saruman lives

But careful how you go

Find the dead trees you used to know

Treebeard – the wizard killed your kin!

(Winking to Merry, as the Ents prepare for war)

You see, I told you so!

There's lots of things I know

That Pip... he knows the way to win!

Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli, having discovered that Merry and Pippin are no longer in their power to rescue, are suddenly and inexplicably struck by a moment of inactivity, as they sit around chatting about how they will bring Sauron down. While this is mostly due to the fact that The Author cannot allow them to get to Rohan until "In My Life", she merely explains it as cold feet on the part of the Three Hunters. 

Legolas: In Rohan, the sections are prepared!

Gimli: Over in Gondor, they're straining at the leash!

Legolas: Students, workers, everyone

There's a river on the run

Like the turning of the tide

Middle-Earth coming to our side!

Aragorn:

The time is near

So near it's stirring the blood in their veins!

And yet beware

Don't let the wine go to your brains!

For the army we fight is a dangerous foe

With the Orcs and the Wraiths that we never can match

It is easy to sit here and swat 'em like flies

But the Dark Lord of Mordor will be harder to catch.

We need a sign

To rally the people

To call them to arms

To bring them in line!

Aragorn, after impressing on them the need for battle, falls asleep and dreams of Arwen. The next morning at breakfast…

Legolas:

Aragorn, you're late.

What's wrong today?

You look as if you've seen a ghost.

Gimli:

Some ale and say what's going on!

Aragorn:

A ghost you say... a ghost maybe

She was just like a ghost to me

One vision there, then she was gone!

Legolas:

I am agog!

I am aghast!

Is Aragorn in love at last?

I've never heard him `ooh' and `aah'

You talk of battles to be won

And here he comes like Beren Erchamion

It's better than an o-per-a!

Gimli:

(Just to irk Peter Jackson, after that last comment about him "running the show" – grrrr, Gimli throws off the mantle of comic relief and takes control of the Three Hunters)

It is time for us all

To decide who we are

Do we fight for the right 

To a night at the opera now?

Have you asked of yourselves

What's the price you might pay?

Is it simply a game

For rich young boys to play?

The colors of the world

Are changing, day by day...

Red - the blood of angry men!

Black - the dark of ages past!

Red - a world about to dawn!

Black - the night that ends at last!

Aragorn:

Had you been there that night

You might know how it feels

To be struck to the bone

In a moment of breathless delight!

Had you been there that night

You might also have known

How the world may be changed

In just one burst of light!

And what was right seems wrong

And what was wrong seems right!

Legolas:

Red...

Aragorn:

I feel my soul on fire!

Legolas:

Black...

Aragorn:

My world if she's not there!

Gimli & Legolas:

Red...

Aragorn:

The color of desire!

Gimli & Legolas:

Black...

Aragorn:

The color of despair!

The Author:

Aragorn, you're no longer a child

I do not doubt you mean it well

But now there is a higher call.

Who cares about your lonely soul?

We strive toward a larger goal

Our love lives don't count at all!

All:

Red - the blood of angry men!

Black - the dark of ages past!

Red - a world about to dawn!

Black - the night that ends at last!

Aragorn:

Well, Legolas, do we have all the arms?

Frodo has the Ring, our time is running short.

Gimli, put the ale down!

Do we have the swords we need?

Legolas:

Dwarven ale on his breath - 

Yes, he'll breathe them all to death!

Legolas:

In Lothlorien they're with us to a man!

Aragorn:

The Paths of the Dead are tearing up the stones!

Legolas:

Twenty bows as good as new!

Gimli rushes in from Fangorn, shouting.

Gimli:

Listen!

Aragorn:

Twenty rounds for every man!

Gimli:

Listen to me!

Legolas:

Double that from Rivendell!

Gimli:

Listen everybody!

Aragorn:

Tons of men from Théoden!

Gimli:

Listen!

Gandalf the Grey is *not* dead!

Aragorn:

Gandalf isn't dead.

Gandalf! His death was the hour of fate.

Our brave maia...

His rebirth is the sign we await!

When we enter Rohan they will honor his name,

With the light of rebellion ablaze in their eyes!

Put down the candle of grief, we shall kindle their flame

With the name Gandalf the *White* shall our barricade rise!

The time is near!

Let us welcome it gladly with courage and cheer

Let us take to the streets with no doubt in our hearts

With a jubilant shout

They will come one and all

They will come when we call!

Aragorn: 

Do you hear the people sing?

Singing a song of angry men?

It is the music of a people

Who will not be slaves again!

When the beating of your heart

Echoes the beating of the drums

There is a life about to start

When tomorrow comes!

Legolas:

Will you join in our crusade?

Who will be strong and stand with me?

Beyond the black of Mordor

Is there a world you long to see?

Gimli:

Then join in the fight

That will give you the right to be free!

All:

Do you hear the people sing?

Singing a song of angry men?

It is the music of a people

Who will not be slaves again!

When the beating of your heart

Echoes the beating of the drums

There is a life about to start

When tomorrow comes!

Gandalf:

Will you give all you can give

So that our banner may advance

Some will fall and some will live

Will you stand up and prove your worth?

The blood of the martyrs

Will water our own Middle-Earth!

All:

Do you hear the people sing?

Singing a song of angry men?

It is the music of a people

Who will not be slaves again!

When the beating of your heart

Echoes the beating of the drums

There is a life about to start

When tomorrow comes!

Éowyn stands on the steps of Meduseld as Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, and Gandalf ride up. 

Éowyn:

How strange

This feeling that my life's begun at last

This change,

Can people really fall in love so fast?

What's the matter with you, Éowyn?

Have you been too much on your own?

So many things unclear

So many things unknown.

In my life

There are so many questions and answers

That somehow seem wrong

In my life

There are times when I catch in the silence

The sigh of a faraway song

And it sings

Of a world that I long to see

Out of reach

Just a whisper away

Waiting for me.

Does he know I'm alive?

Do I know if he's real?

Does he see what I saw?

Does he feel what I feel?

In my life

I'm no longer alone

Now the love in my life 

Is so near

Find me now, find me here!

Théoden:

Dear Éowyn,

You're such a lonely child

How pensive, how sad you seem to me

Believe me, were it within my power

I'd fill each passing hour

How quiet it must be, I can see

With only me for company.

Éowyn:

There's so little I know

That I'm longing to know

Of the world that I see

Outside my window...

There's so little you say

Of the life you have known

Why we keep to ourselves

Never battle the unknown

So dark! So dark and deep

The armies Sauron keeps!

In my life

I have all that I want

You are loving and gentle and good

But uncle, dear uncle,

In your eyes I am just like a child

Who is lost in a wood

Théoden:

No more words

No more words. It's a war that is dead

There are fights

That are better unfought,

Tears better unshed.

Éowyn:

In my life

I'm no longer a child and I yearn

For the fights that you know

In the years… year to go!

Théoden:

You will learn

Valor is given by God

To us all in our time

In our turn

Théoden returns to his throne… erm… and Gríma's enchantment of old age and mindlessness. (Apparently, it comes and goes). 

Gríma:

(Skulking behind a pillar)

In my life

She has burst like the music of angels

The light of the sun

And my life seems to stop

As if something is over

And something has scarcely begun.

Éowyn

You're the love who has brought me here

Thanks to you I am one with the gods

And Heaven is near!

And I soar through a world that is new that is free

Éowyn: 

(to herself)

Every word Gríma says is a dagger in me!

(Looks to Aragorn)

In my life

There's been no one like him anywhere

Anywhere, where he is...

If he asked... I'd be his

Éowyn and Gríma: 

In my life

There is someone who touches my life

Éowyn:

Waiting near

Gríma:

Waiting here

In order to appease Peter Jackson – and hopefully keep him from looking for Movie Arwen (whom I have hidden in my closet *bwu-ha-ha* ) I insert some sappy love drivel between Aragorn and *Book* Arwen, in a flashback moment… 

Aragorn

A heart full of love

A heart full of song

I'm doing everything all wrong

Oh God, for shame

I do not even know your name

Dear Elvish maid

Won't you say?

Will you stay?

Arwen:

A heart full of love

No fear, no regret

Aragorn:

My name is Aragorn, son of Arathorn, heir of Elendil, heir of Isildur, wielder of Narsil, the blade that was broken, and Andúril, the blade that was reforged…

Arwen:

(Interrupting)

And mine's Arwen

Aragorn:

Arwen, I don't know what to say

Arwen:

Then make no sound

Aragorn:

I am lost

Arwen:

I am found!

Aragorn:

A heart full of light

Arwen:

A night bright as day

Aragorn: 

And you must never go away

Arwen, Arwen

Arwen: 

This is a chain we'll never break

Aragorn:

Do I dream?

Arwen: 

I'm awake!

Aragorn: 

A heart full of love

Arwen: 

A heart full of you

Aragorn: 

A single look and then I knew

Arwen: 

I knew it too

Aragorn:

From today

Arwen: 

Every day

Arwen & Aragorn:

For it isn't a dream

Not a dream after all.

Éowyn: (Interjecting):

He was never mine to lose

Why regret what cannot be?

These are words he'll never say

Not to me...

Not to me...

Not to me...

His heart full of love

He will never feel this way...


	7. Attack to Intermission

Aragorn awakes, Gandalf frees Théoden from Gríma's spells, and the whole of Rohan marches to Helm's Deep. 

MEANWHILE… After the *ahem* incident with the Wargs and the going over the cliff and such… [Note: the Author is showing massive self-restraint to keep herself from rewriting that scene as well…] Aragorn quickly disguises himself as an Uruk to discover where the excessively large army of Uruks are marching towards

Aragorn:

Say Lurtz, what are we doing

So far out of our patch?

Random Uruk #1:

(Who is *not* named Lurtz, since Lurtz was killed in the first movie. However, they all kind of look alike)

This land, we're going to do it

Rich King, plenty of scratch.

You remember Rohan's the one

That got away the other day.

Take 'em out and suddenly

All Middle-Earth in disarray!

Aragorn:

Oh Lord, somebody help me!

Dear God, what'll I do?

Can we survive an ambush

From an army this huge?

What'll I do, what'll I say?

I've got to warn them here

I've got to find a way.

Aragorn runs off to warn Théoden and the company at Helm's Deep. Meanwhile, Saruman plots. 

Saruman:

(Surveying maps of Helm's Deep)

This is his lair

I've seen the old fox around

He keeps himself to himself

He's staying close to the ground

I smell carnage here!

Few years ago 

He came and paid for Rohan

I let her go for a horse

It's time we brought war upon - 

This'll cost him dear

Uruk Chief: 

What do I care

Who you should rob?

Gimme me my share

Finish the job!

Saruman:

You shut your mouth

Give me your hand

Back at Helm's Deep 

Theoden (catching sight of Arwen, riding up with Haldir):

What have we here?

Who is this hussy?

Legolas:

It's that movie version Arwen

Don't you know your own Elf

Why's she hanging about you?

Aragorn:

Dear Arwen, get on home

You're not needed in this

We're enough here without you

Movie Arwen:

I know this war I tell you

I'll fight alongside you

Just because I don't like horses

Doesn't mean I can't fight, too… 

As The Author was busy elsewhere… *coughswooningoverFrodocough*, a substitute shows up to help out.

Tolkien:

Don't interfere

You've got some gall

Take care, young miss,

You've got a lot to say!

Peter Jackson:

But she's so soft

Beloved by all

Go home, Tolkien,

Go home, you're in the way

Tolkien:

I'm gonna scream, I'm gonna warn them here.

Peter Jackson:

One little scream and you'll regret it for a year.

The Uruks of Saruman, waiting around for battle:

What a palaver

What an absolute treat

To watch PJ and Tolkien

Pick a bone in the street

Arwen:

Not a sound out of you!

Tolkien:

Well I told you I'd do it, told you I'd do it... (Screams)

Peter Jackson:

You wait old man, you'll rue this night

I'll make you scream, you'll scream all right!

Make for the sewers, go underground

Leave him to me, don't wait around!

After hearing Tolkien's screech and believing Jackson's words to be intended for them, the Uruks of Saruman race away and the battle for Helm's Deep is won by a rather unfair forfeit.  

Aragorn

It was your cry - sent them away

Once more Tolkien saving the day

(He notices Gandalf show up with Éomer and the banished Rohirrim)

Gandalf the Grey, no need for them 

All the Orcs gone, thanks anyway!

Someone is near

Hear her approach

Somebody's here!

The Author races in and stares at the scene with fear and disgust. 

The Author:

My God, my characters!

I heard a violent cut in the dark!

I saw a giant battle reduced to one mere song!

Tolkien:

That was my cry you heard, Author,

I was afraid of what she'd do.

She ran away when she heard my cry.

The Author:

Tolkien, good sir, what has gotten into you?

Tolkien:

Arwen I saw beyond the wall

Arwen in shadows moving fast

The Author:

This was a near miss to us all

These are the shadows of the past

Must be Peter Jackson!

He's found Movie Arwen at last!

I've got to get the plot moving again

Before he returns!

We must get away from shadows

They will never let us be

(to Aragorn)

Tomorrow to the Paths of the Dead...

And then a ship across the sea!

Hurry, Aragorn, prepare to leave and say no more,

Tomorrow you'll all away!

Hurry, Aragorn, you've skipped over some gore,

you'll live another day!

The Author (still):

One day more!

Another day, another destiny.

Must get the characters to the finale;

These men who seem to perpetrate crime

Will surely come a second time.

One day more!

Aragorn:

(Having fallen in love with Book Arwen)

I did not live until today.

How can I live when we are parted?

The Author:  

One day more.

Aragorn & Book Arwen:

Tomorrow you'll be worlds away,

And yet with you, my world has started!

Éowyn:

One more day all on my own.

Aragorn & Book Arwen:

Will we ever meet again?

Éowyn:

One more day with him not caring.

Aragorn & Book Arwen:

I was born to be with you.

Éowyn:

What a life I might have known.

Aragorn & Book Arwen:

And I swear I will be true!

Éowyn:

But he never saw me there!

Gandalf:

One more day before the storm!

Éowyn:

Do I follow where he goes?

Gandalf:

At the barricades of freedom.

Merry and Pippin:

(Looking to the fighting)

Shall we join the Fellowship there?

Gandalf:

When our ranks begin to form

Frodo:

Can I destroy it; do I dare?

Gandalf:

Will you take your place with me?

All:

The time is now, the day is here

The Author: 

One day more!

Sauron:

One more day to revolution,

We will nip it in the bud!

I will smash these little Mortals,

They will wet themselves with blood!

The Author:

One day more!

Peter Jackson:

Watch 'em run amuck,

Change 'em as they fall,

Never know your luck

When there's a free for all,

Here a little `cut'

There a little `touch'

The audience is mostly newbies

So they won't miss much!

The Orcs:

One day to a new beginning

Rohan:

Raise the flag of freedom high!

The Nazgûl:

Every man will be a king

Gondor:

Every man will be a king

Saruman:

There's a new world for the winning

Gandalf:

There's a new world to be won

All:

Do you hear the people sing?

Aragorn:

My place is here, I fight with you!

The Author:

One day more!

Aragorn & Book Arwen:

I did not live until today.

Éowyn:

One more day all on my own!

Aragorn & Book Arwen:

How can I live when we are parted?

Gollum: (overlapping)

I will join the story's heros

I will follow where they go

I will learn their little secrets,

I will know the things they know.  

The Author:

One day more!

Aragorn & Book Arwen:

Tomorrow you'll be worlds away

Éowyn:

What a life I might have known!

Aragorn & Book Arwen:

And yet with you my world has started

Academy Award Voters: (overlapping)

One more movie up for Oscars

We will nip it in the bud

We'll be ready for these Kiwis

Peter Jackson (overlapping)

Watch 'em run amok

Change 'em as they fall

Never know your luck

When there's a free-for-all!

The Author:

Tomorrow they'll be far away,

Tomorrow is the judgement day

All:

Tomorrow we'll discover

What our God in Heaven has in store!

One more dawn

One more day

One day more!


	8. Intermission to Fall of Rain

- * - INTERMISSION - * -

Feel free to help yourself to refreshments, get up, walk about – it's been quite a 50 pages hasn't it? Wow… 2:34AM… This is either madness... or brilliance. (It's remarkable how often those two traits coincide) Know what a pirate's favourite Lord of the Rings character is? Arrrrrr-agorn. Okay… it's been fifteen minutes. Back to the show. 

- * - INTERMISSION - * - 

Denethor is preparing Minas Tirith for an assault from Sauron.

Denethor:

Here upon these stones

We will build our barricade

In the heart of the city

We claim as our own!

Each man to his duty

And don't be afraid.

Wait! I will need a report

On the strength of the foe.

The Palantir: (disguised as a "helping" tool)

I can find out the truth

I know their ways

Fought their wars

Served my time

In the days

Of my youth.

Gondorians:

Now the people will fight

Rohirrim:

And so they might

Dogs will bark

Fleas will bite.

Gandalf:

They will do what is right!

As the Rohirrim prepare to go their separate ways (Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, Elves – Paths of the Dead; Gandalf & Pippin – Minas Tirith; Everyone else, Minas Tirith by way of Edoras), Aragorn notices Éowyn suiting up in amour. 

Aragorn:

Hey, little boy, what's this I see?

God, Éowyn, the things you do!

Éowyn:

I know this is no place for me,

Still, I would rather fight with you!

Aragorn:

Get out before the trouble starts.

Get out, Éowyn, you might get shot!

Éowyn:

I've got you worried now, I have

That shows you like me quite a lot!

Aragorn:

There is a way that you can help

You are the answer to a prayer!

Please take this letter to Arwen

And pray to God that she's still there!

Éowyn:

Little you know!

Little you care!

Little he really does know – the real Arwen is back at Rivendell (quite a ways from Helm's Deep) and Movie Arwen is safe in PJ's hiding… blast him. Through the power of Authorship, however, The Author makes Éowyn arrive quickly at the bridge of Rivendell, and before Lord Elrond. 

Éowyn:

I have a letter milord

It's addressed to your daughter, Arwen

It's from a boy in battles, good sir,

Over fighting again. 

Elrond:

Give me that letter here, my boy.

Éowyn:

He said to give it to Arwen

Elrond:

You have my word that my daughter will know 

What this letter contains.

Tell the young man she will read it tomorrow

And here's for your pains

Go careful now, stay out of sight

There's danger in the streets tonight.

Elrond reads the letter as The Author gets Éowyn back to Aragorn's company traveling the Paths of the Dead. 

"Dearest Arwen, you have entered my soul

And soon you will be gone.

Can it be only a day since we met

And the world was reborn?

If I should fall in the battle to come

Let this be my goodbye...

Now that I know you love me as well

It is harder to die...

I pray that god will bring me home

To be with you.

Pray for your Aragorn. He prays for you!" 

Gollum, leading Frodo and Sam towards Shelob's lair, gets his own solo moment, since he's been threatening to throw raw and wiggling fish at The Author if he doesn't get it…  

Gollum:

And now I'm all alone again

Nowhere to turn, no one to go to

Without a home, without a friend,

Without a face to say hello to.

But now the night is near

Now I can make believe _it's_ here.

Sometimes I walk alone at night

When everybody else is sleeping

I think of _it_ and then I'm happy

With the company I'm keeping

The city goes to bed

And I can live inside my head.

On my own

Pretending the Ring's beside me

All alone, I walk with it till morning

Without it

I feel the band around me

And when I lose my way I close my eyes

And it has found me

In the rain the pavement shines like silver

All the lights are misty in the river

In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight

And all I see is the Ring and me for ever and forever 

And I know it's only in my mind

That I'm talking to myself and not to it

And although I know that it's blind

Still I say, there's a way for us

I love it

But when the night is over

It is gone, the river's just a river

Without it the world around me changes

The trees are bare and everywhere

The streets are full of strangers

I love it

But every day I'm learning

All my life I've only been pretending

Without me its world will go on turning

A world that's full of happiness

That I have never known!

I love the Ring

I love the Ring

I love the Ring

But only on my own.

Minas Tirith is now ready for an assault by Sauron – and not a moment too soon. 

Gondorians:

Now we pledge ourselves to hold this barricade

Denethor:

Let them come in their legions

And they will be met

Gandalf:

Have faith in yourselves

And don't be afraid

Pippin:

Let's give 'em a screwing

That they'll never forget!

Bergil:

This is where it begins!

And if I should die in the fight to be free

Where the fighting is hardest

There will I be

Beregond:

Let them come if they dare

We'll be there!

The Witch-King: (flying about the gates)

You at Minas Tirith listen to this!

No one is coming to help you to fight

You're on your own

You have no friends

Give up your city - or die!

Gandalf:

Damn their warnings, damn their lies

They will see the people rise!

Gondorians:

Damn their warnings, damn their lies

They will see the people rise!

Gollum leads Frodo and Sam into Shelob's Lair, then reports to them what he knows of Mordor. 

Gollum:

Listen my friends

I have done as I said

I have been to their lines

I have counted each man

I will tell what I can

Better be warned

They have armies to spare

And the danger is real

We will need all our cunning

To bring them to heel.

Frodo:

Have faith

If you know what their movements are

We'll spoil their game

There are ways that a people can fight

We shall overcome their power

Gollum:

I have overheard their plans

There will be no Spider here tonight

We can sneak right through these tunnels

So we can start a proper fight

Concentrate our force

Hit them from the right.

Sam:

Liar!

Good evening, good old Sméagol, 

Lovely evening, my dear.

I know this man, Frodo

He's a sneak we should fear

So don't believe a word he says

'Cause none of it's true

This only goes to show 

What little people can do!

And little people know

When little people fight

We may look easy pickings

But we've got some bite

So never kick a dog

Because he's just a pup

We'll fight like twenty armies

And we won't give up

So you'd better run for cover

When the pup grows up!

Frodo:

Bravo, little Samwise, you're the top of the class!

(He's pricked by Shelob, falls down dead – Sam grabs the Ring and hides as the Orc Patrols appear)

Gorbag:

Ooh! what are we going to do

With this snake in the grass?

Shagrat:

Tie this spy and take him

To Cirith Ungol, in there

Sauron will decide your fate

So you better beware!

Gorbag:

Take the creature now and shoot him!

Let us watch the elf-spy dance!

He'd have done the same, Shagrat,

If we'd let him have his chance!

Shagrat:

Kill him now and be killed later

Every idiot to his sport

Death to each and every traitor - 

That includes you, you little snort!

Sam rescues Frodo from the tower, and tries to cheer him up. 

Sam:

Though we may not all survive here

There are things that never die

Frodo:

What's the difference, die a schoolboy,

Die safe in the Shire, die a spy?

Sam:

Come Frodo, let's go through

There is work we have to do!

MEANWHILE, back at the Battle of the Pelannor Fields…

Random Gondorian Whose Sole Purpose is to Sum Up the Plot:

There's a girl and a hobbit challenging the Witch-King!

Merry:

Good God! What are you doing?

Éowyn, have you no fear?

Is that really the Witch-King?

Why have you brought us here?

Éowyn:

Challenged the Fell Beast like I said

He killed my uncle with a roar

I said I would kill him -  

Don't think I can stand any more.

Merry:

Éowyn, what's wrong? I feel...

There's something wet upon your hair  

Éowyn, you're hurt

You need some help! 

Oh God, it's everywhere....

Éowyn:

Don't you fret, Master Merry

I don't feel any pain

A little fall of rain

Can hardly hurt me now

It's dead, that's all I need to know

And you will keep me safe

And you will keep me close

And rain will make the flowers grow.

Merry:

But you will live, 'Ponine - dear God above,

If I could heal your wounds with words of love.

Éowyn:

Just hold me now, and let it be.

Shelter me, comfort me

Merry:

You would live a hundred years

If I could show you how

I won't desert you now...

Éowyn:

The rain can't hurt me now

This rain will wash away what's past

And you will keep me safe

And you will keep me close

I'll sleep with battle valor at last.

The rain that brings you here

Is Heaven-blessed!

The skies begin to clear

And I'm at rest

A breath away from where you are

I've come home from so far

Éowyn:

So don't you fret, Master Merry

I don't feel any pain

A little fall of rain

Can hardly hurt me now

Merry: (in counterpoint)

Hush-a-bye, dear Éowyn,

You won't feel any pain

A little fall of rain

Can hardly hurt you now

Merry:

I'm here

Éowyn:

That's all I need to know

And you will keep me safe

And you will keep me close

Merry: (in counterpoint)

I will stay with you

Till you are sleeping

Éowyn:

And rain...

Merry:

And rain...

Éowyn:

Will make the flowers...

Merry:

Will make the flowers... grow...

She collapses. Merry kisses her forehead as Prince Imrahil and Éomer ride up. 

Prince Imrahil:

She is the first to fall

The first female to fall upon this battlefield.

Éomer:

Her name was Éowyn

Her life was cold and dark, yet she was unafraid.

Merry:

We fight here in her name

Imrahil:

She will not die in vain.

Éomer:

She will not be betrayed.

The surrounding soldiers bear her upon their shoulders into the White City. The Author races after them, screaming, "CHECK FOR A PULSE! CHECK FOR A PULSE!!"


	9. Fall of Rain to Dog Eats Dog

MEANWHILE… on the Paths of the Dead…

King of the Cursed Undead:

(Who bears a strange resemblance to Geoffrey Rush and has a skeletal monkey on his shoulder… *bwu-ha-ha*)

Here comes a man in Ranger garb

What brings you to this place?

Aragorn:

I come here to revoke your curse.

King:

Approach and show your face.

Undead Soldier:

You bear the Sword that Was Reforged.

Aragorn:

That's why they let me through.

Undead Soldier:

You've got some years behind you sir.

Aragorn:

I could say the same for you.

King:

You see those corpses over there?

Soldier:

"Isildur's Heirs" like you!

Aragorn:

Their corpses do not myself scare - 

My heir-dom is in fact true...

King:

We'll get ready to attack - 

Take us and use fear well!

But if our curse is not undone,

You'll never live to tell…

Back at the Pelannor Fields…

Random Gondorian Whose Sole Purpose is to Sum Up the Plot:

A group of ships with black sails, sailing up the Anduin!

His Friend:

But it's really Aragorn, and his company!

Aragorn: Charge!

Aragorn and Company have arrived just when needed, and clear a path of Orcs out of the way to the White City to fight alongside Éomer, the Rohirrim, and the Gondorian warriors.  

Legolas:

See how they run away!

Gimli:

By God we've won the day!

Éomer:

They will be back again,

Make an attack again.

For your presence of mind

For the deed you have done

I will thank you, Aragorn, 

When our battle is won.

Aragorn:

Give me no thanks Éomer

There is something you can do.

Éomer:

If it is in my power.

Aragorn:

Give me the Gondorians

Let me take care of them!

Gondorian Soldiers Nearby:

Our world is inside out

But our King has come again.

Éomer:

Do what you have to do,

The men belongs to you.

The enemy may be regrouping. Hold yourself in readiness.

Come my friends, back to your positions.

The night is falling fast.

MEANWHILE… (I seem to be using that a lot) At the tombs, Denethor has set Faramir inside and is preparing to set the tombs ablaze. In the chaos, however, Gandalf steps forward. 

Gandalf:

We meet again.

Denethor:

You've hungered for this all your life;

Take your revenge!

How right you arrive and cause strife!

Gandalf:

You talk too much,

Your life is safe in my hands.

Denethor:

Don't understand

Gandalf:

Get out of here.

Denethor:

Gandalf, take care!

I'm warning you...

Gandalf:

Clear out of here.

Denethor:

Once a thief, forever a thief

What you want you always steal!

You would trade Faramir's love to thine -

Yes, Gandalf, you want a deal!

Let me die for all I care!

If you let me go, beware,

You still must answer Sauron's dare!

Gandalf:

You are wrong, and always have been wrong.

I'm a maia, no worse than any maia.

You are free, and there are no conditions,

No bargains or petitions.

Sauron's army will not win this fray.

The new King will come, the dawning of the day.

(Gandalf has Faramir removed from the building)

If you come out of this alive, you'll find Faramir 

At your own Houses of Healing. 

No doubt our paths will cross again.

Go.

Denethor, however, refuses to leave and runs back into the tombs, dying in a horrific blaze. Gandalf, saddened, returns to the men. 

Gandalf:

(to Aragorn and the Council, after the Battle of Pelannor has been finished, and they plot their next move)

Aragorn, you take the men

Your chance has come to be their liege

Everybody prepare for war

We must put Mordor under siege

This is the final fight

Let no one sleep tonight.

Aragorn:

Merry, rest.

Drink with me to days gone by

Sing with me the songs we knew

Pippin:

Here's to pretty girls who went to our heads.

Merry:

Here's to witty girls who went to our beds.

All:

Here's to them and here's to you!

Legolas:

Drink with me to days gone by

Can it be you fear to die?

Will the world remember you

When you fall?

Could it be your death

Means nothing at all?

Is your life just one more lie?

All:

Drink with me to days gone by

To the life that used to be

Women:

At the shrine of friendship, never say die

Men:

Let the wine of friendship never run dry

All:

Here's to you and here's to me

Aragorn:

Do I care if I should die

Now she goes across the sea?

Life without Arwen

Means nothing at all.

Would you weep, Arwen,

Should Aragorn fall?

Will you weep, Arwen,

For me?

Aragorn settles down to sleep in preparation for the Siege of Mordor – MEANWHILE…Frodo gets a solo since The Author can't bear to go too much longer without some Frodo angst… Mmmmm… Frodo angst… 

Frodo:

(Watching a sleeping Sam)

God on high

Hear my prayer

In my need

You have always been there

He is young

He's afraid

Let him rest

Heaven blessed.

Bring him home

Bring him home

Bring him home.

He's like the son I might have known

If God had granted me a son.

The summers die

One by one

How soon they fly

On and on

And I am old

And will be gone.

Bring him peace

Bring him joy

He is young

He is only a boy

You can take

You can give

Let him be

Let him live

If I die, let me die

Let him live

Bring him home

Bring him home

Bring him home.

Dawn breaks.

Aragorn:

(As the men prepare to leave for the final battle at the Black Gates)

Our people must now stir

We are abandoned by those who still live in fear.

Our people must now hear

For we will not abandon those who cannot hear.

Let us not waste lives

Let all the women and fathers of children 

Go from here.

Legolas:

Drink with me to days gone by

Sing with me the songs we knew

Gimli:

At the shrine of friendship

Raise your glass high

Let the wine of friendship

Never run dry

Legolas & Gimli:

If I die, I die with you!

The soldiers arrive at the Black Gates, and the expected slaughter begins. 

Gandalf: 

How do we stand, Aragorn? Make your report.

Aragorn:

We've arms enough, but living men are getting short

Merry:

(Still stuck at the Houses of Healing – begging to The Author)

Let me go into the fight

There are bodies all around

Ammunition to be had

Lots of arrows to be found!

The Author:

I won't let you go, it's too much of a chance!

Aragorn:

The same is true for any man here!

Éowyn:

Let me go. He's no more than a boy.

I am sad, I have nothing to fear.

Pippin:

You need somebody quicker and I volunteer!

Legolas:

Come back Pippin, don't you dare!

Gimli:

Someone pull him down at once!

Pippin:

Look at me, I'm almost there!

(An arrow flies by Pippin's head)

Pippin:

Little people know, when 

Little people fight, we

(A sword slash – Pippin is wounded.)

May look easy pickings

But we've got some bite!

(He is hit again.)

So never kick a dog

Because he's just a pup

We'll fight like twenty armies

And we won't give up

So you'd better run for cover

When the pup grows....

Pippin falls to the ground, silent and unconscious. The Author screeches "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" and falls to the ground, crying. Between her inane babblings and sobs is heard, "You just _don't hurt Billy Boyd! What don't you get about that?!?"_

The Mouth of Sauron: 

You at the Black Gates listen to this

The spies you have sent here sleep in their graves

You have no chance

No chance at all

Why throw your lives away?

Gandalf:

Let us die facing our foes

Make them bleed while we can

Legolas:

Make 'em pay through the nose

Gimli:

 Make 'em pay for every man!

Aragorn:

Let others rise

To take our place

Until Middle-Earth is free!

Increasingly heavy fighting – the battle rages on frantically with the odds strongly in favor of Sauron and his legions of evil.


	10. Dog to Wedding

Speaking of legions of evil… While all this happens, the Man in Charge of Tabulating the Votes for the Academy Awards gets his own song, perched on the top of Mount Doom.   

Academy Awards Person:

Here's a vote for Rings

By a trusted man

Pardon me, Jackson -  

You won't be needing it no more.

Shouldn't be too hard to 'fix'.

Add it to the pile

Add it to the stack

Here among the sewer rats

A breath away from Hell

You get accustomed to the smell.

Well someone's got to 'fix' 'em up, my friends

Votes for an independent director

From a land turned upside down

(Holds up a bag of Oscars)

Someone's got to keep these odds and ends

Safely here within our town!

Here's some tasty votes

Pretty little quotes

Wouldn't want to waste 'em

That would really be a crime

(Another vote for Return of the King goes to another Hollywood movie)

Thank you sir, I'm in your debt

Here's another toy

(Grabs a vote for Best Director – Peter Jackson)

Take it from the boy

He spent those years in filming

And he's lived his little time.

Yes, his movies are being watched yet - 

But, someone's got to 'fix' them up, my friends

Before the little harvest

Goes to one they watch with glee.

Someone's got to collect their votes and scores

'Fore the Academy votes Fantasy.

It's a world where the dog eats the dog

Where they kill for awards in the street

And that "truth" and "justice",

They don't interfere - 

'Cause they're dead as the stiffs at my feet

I raise my eyes to see the movies

And only the Hollywood crap is praised

The Hollywood crap is praised!

He realizes, however, his rather precarious position near the Cracks of Doom. As Frodo and Sam arrive over the top of the mountain – Sam carrying a nearly unconscious Frodo – the mountain gives a rumble and the Academy Awards guy tumbles in. *bwu-ha-ha* Gollum, however, also appears. 

Sam:

It's you, Gollum!

I knew you wouldn't wait too long

The faithful servant at his post once more!

(Motions to Frodo)

This man's done no wrong,

And he needs a doctor's care.

Gollum:

I warned you I would not give in

I won't be swayed

Sam:

Another hour yet

And then it's yours

And all our debts are paid.

Gollum:

The man of mercy comes again

And talks of justice

Sam:

Come, time is running short

Look down, Gollum

He's standing in his grave

Give way, Gollum

There is a life to save.

Gollum: (overlapping)

Take him, Samwise,

Before I change my mind

I will be waiting

Stu-pid-fa-ho-bibit…

Sam carries Frodo into the cave of the mountain, wherein bubbles the Cracks of Doom. Gollum, apparently, just isn't that bright… Ah well, he gets another solo to make up for his oversight. 

Gollum:

Who is this hobbit?

What sort of devil is he

To have me caught in a trap

And choose to let me go free?

It was his hour at last

To put a seal on my fate

Wipe out the past

And wash me clean off the slate!

All it would take

Was a flick of his knife.

Vengeance was his

And he gave me back my life!

Damned if I'll live in the debt of a thief!

Damned if I'll yield at the end of the chase.

That is the Ring – the Ring is not mocked

I'll spit his pity right back in his face

A challenge now waits on my soul - 

It is either Gollum or Sméagol!

How can I now allow this Ring

To hold dominion over me?

This desperate Ring whom I have hunted…

Master gave me my life. He gave me freedom.

I should have perished by his hand

It was his right.

It was my right to die as well

Instead I live... but live in hell.

And my thoughts fly apart

Can this man be believed?

Shall his sins be forgiven?

Shall his crimes be reprieved?

And must I now begin to doubt,

Who never doubted all these years?

My heart is stone and still it trembles

The world I have known is lost in shadow.

Is he from heaven or from hell?

And does he know

That granting me my life today

This man has killed me even so?

I am reaching, but I fall

And the stars are black and cold

As I stare into the void

Of a world that cannot hold

I'll escape now from the world

From the world of Rings of Doom.

There is nowhere I can turn

The Ring and I will find my tomb!

He bites the Ring from Frodo's finger, then leaps with it into the fires of Mount Doom, destroying the Ring and Sauron forever. The Enemy of the Free Peoples of Middle-Earth was defeated – forever. Nonetheless, at what cost?  

(As we survey the carnage of the Chaining of Morgoth)

Varda:  

Did you see them

Going off to fight?

Children of the barricade

Who didn't last the night?

Nienna:

Did you see them

Lying where they died?

Someone used to cradle them

And kiss them when they cried.

Yavanna:

Did you see them lying side by side?

(As we survey the carnage of the Last Alliance battle)

Celebrían:

Who will wake them?

Galadriel:

No one ever will.

No one ever told them

That a summer day can kill.

Celebrían:

They were schoolboys

Never held a gun...

Fighting for a new world

That would rise up like the sun.

Galadriel: 

Where's that new world now the fighting's done?

(As we survey the carnage of this last War of the Ring) 

Galadriel:

Nothing changes.

Nothing ever will.

Éowyn:

Every year another brat, another mouth to fill.

Morwen:

Same old story. What's the use of tears?

What's the use of praying if there's nobody who hears?

All Women:

Turning, turning, turning, turning, turning

Through the years.

Turning, turning, turning through the years

Minutes into hours and the hours into years.

Nothing changes. Nothing ever can.

Round and round the roundabout and back where you began.

Round and round and back where you began!

Aragorn – one evening after the war has ended – pauses to look back on all who made the ultimate sacrifice to see that the Ring would be destroyed… As he sings, the spirits appear

Aragorn:

There's a grief that can't be spoken.

There's a pain goes on and on.

Empty chairs at empty tables

Now my friends are dead and gone.

Here they talked of revolution.

Here it was they lit the flame.

Here they sang about `tomorrow'

Yet 'tomorrow' their souls claimed.

From the table in the corner

They could see a world reborn

And they rose with voices ringing

I can hear them now!

The very words that they had sung

Became their last communion

On the lonely barricade at dawn.

Oh my friends, my friends forgive me

That I live and you are gone.

There's a grief that can't be spoken.

There's a pain goes on and on.

Phantom faces at the window.

Phantom shadows on the floor.

Empty chairs at empty tables

Where my friends will meet no more.

Oh my friends, my friends, don't ask me

What your sacrifice was for

Empty chairs at empty tables

Where my friends will sing no more.

Faramir and Éowyn recover in the Houses of Healing together…

Éowyn:

Every day

You walk with stronger step

You walk with longer step-

The worst is over.

Faramir:

Every day

I wonder every day

Why my father tried

To murder me?

Éowyn:

Don't think about it, Faramir!

With all the years ahead of us!

I will never go away

And we will be together

Every day.

Every day,

We'll remember that night

And the vow that we made:

A heart full of love

A night full of you

The words are old

But always true.

Oh, God, for shame

You did not even know my name!

Faramir:

Dear Éowyn maid - 

All other lights seem to fade.

Aragorn enters, unnoticed.

Éowyn:

A heart full of love

No fear, just begin

`My name is Faramir of Gondor'

Faramir:

Éowyn, Éowyn!

Éowyn:

I saw you waiting and I knew.

Faramir:

Waiting for you

At your feet

Éowyn:

At your call

Both:

And it wasn't a dream

Not a dream after all

Aragorn: (interjecting, to himself)

She was never mine to keep.

She is youthful, she is free.

Love is the garden of the young

Let it be... let it be...

A heart full of love

This I give you on this day.

The couples are happy, Aragorn awaits the *real* Arwen – after The Author thwarted a marriage between Aragorn and Movie Arwen – but Frodo finds the Author brooding. 

Frodo:

Author, this is a day

I can never forget.

Is gratitude enough

For seeing us through the threat?

Your home shall be with us

And not a day shall pass

But we will prove our love

To you, whom we shall call

An author of us both

An author of us all.

The Author:

Not another word my son,

There's something now that must be done.

You've spoken from the heart

And I must do the same

There is a story, sir,

Of slavery and shame

That you alone must know.

I never told the hobbits

They've had enough of tears

They never heard the truth-

The story you must hear

Of years that would have come…

There lived a maia whose name was Saruman

Tried to steal a Ring, despite our fervent ban.

Entrapped by Ents, he served his time

And yet, by Tolkien, couldn't wash away his crime.

Thanks to Pete

He fell from his tower, and then fell apart

Better than the Scouring, which would break my heart.

Yes, it's a cut that must be faced

But if I condone, I am disgraced

The time has come to journey on

And from this day I must be gone

Who am I?

Who am I?

Frodo:

You're The Author!

What can I do

That will turn you from this?

Author, you cannot leave.

However we try to finish the story

No one will ever believe!

The Author:

It is quite simple

You must go on a journey

A long way away.

Tell them my heart was too full for Grey Havens

It is better this way.

Promise me, Frodo, no one will ever know...

Frodo:

I give my word.

The Author:

...what I have spoken, why I must go.

Frodo:

For the sake of your Inner Purist, it must be so.


	11. The End

Aragorn and Arwen lead the wedding procession down the streets of Minas Tirith, the crowds singing behind them. 

Gondorians:

Ring out the bells upon this day of days!

May all the angels of the Lord above

In jubilation sing their songs of praise!

And crown this blessed time with peace and love.

The procession becomes a dancing celebration. A waltz is played.

Gandalf:

The Baron and Baroness de King Kong wish to pay their respects to the groom!

Peter Jackson:

I forget where we met

Lothlorien or was it somewhere nearer?

Where Haldir slipped some beer

Into Galadriel's far-seeing mirror?

Aragorn:

No, `Baron de King Kong'

In the Elf-homes I no longer belong.

You should run – Pete Jackson!

Do you think I don't know who you are?

Movie Arwen:

He's not fooled. Told you so.

Show M'lord what you've come here to show.

Tell the boy what you know!

Applause from the dancers as the waltz finishes.

Aragorn:

When I look at you, I think of my Queen.

Her name was more than you deserved – you shared of yore

But now she is with me and happier, I hope,

Than dead in war!

The waltz starts up again.

Peter Jackson:

So it goes, heaven knows

Some of my plot-lines really did blow.

Movie Arwen:

You've got cash and a heart

You could give us a bit of a start!

We can prove, plain as ink

PJ's changes weren't as bad you think.

Peter Jackson:

There's a tale I could tell

Arwen:

Video releases we're willing to sell...

Peter Jackson:

There's a man named Bakshi

Make cuts and plot changes even worse than me!

I'm sure you'd agree!

Movie Arwen:

Pity to distribute them after our movies like this

But a couple more Oscars surely wouldn't come amiss.

Aragorn:

In God's name say what you have to say.

Peter Jackson:

But first you pay!

What I saw, clear as light,

A Balrog in fuzzy bedroom slippers that night.

Frodo and Sam – potato man!

Boromir the Viking – where's the song about Spam?

Ours came here, never fear.

Even got people to the books revere!

Peter Jackson points to Aragorn's ring – the Ring of Barahir which appears on Aragorn's hands during the movie. 

Aragorn:

I know this! This is mine!

Surely this is some heavenly sign!

Peter Jackson:

One thing more, mark this well

We even mention when Sauron first fell.

Aragorn:

Then it's true, then I'm right

The movies are more joy than a blight!  

As for you, take this too!

(Hands him a Best Director and Best Picture Oscar, now that the Academy Awards guy is buried in lava)

God forgive us the things that we do.

Come my love, come Arwen,

This movie's blessings will certainly begin!

Merry and Pippin, meanwhile, have had a happy time of wandering the world. 

Merry and Pippin:

Ain't it a laugh?

Ain't it a treat?

Hob-nobbin' here

Among the elite?

Here comes a Prince

There goes an Elf.

This one's a Dwarf - 

None as cool as myself!

Middle-Earth at my feet

Middle-Earth in the dust

And here's me breaking bread

With the upper crust!

Beggar at the feast!

Master of the dance!

Life is easy pickings

If you grab your chance.

Everywhere we go

We find the partyin' folk

Doing what they really love

And who can take a joke!

Singing on the tops of tables

Flirting with the tavern lass.

Yes, we're the ones who make it

Despite some mistakes, despite being called crass!

Watch the buggers dance

Watch 'em till they drop

Keep your wits about you

And you stand on top!

Masters of the land

Always get our share

Clear away all the Dark Lords

And we're still there!

We know where the wind is blowing

Pipeweed is the stuff we smell.

And since we're not in the epilogue

I guess this'll have to be our farewell!

Frodo stands alone at the Grey Havens, looking over the waters

Frodo:

Alone I wait in the shadows

I count the hours till I can sleep

I dreamed a dream Hobbiton stood by

It made them weep to know I died.

Alone at the end of the day

Upon this wedding night I pray

Take these children, my Lord, to thy embrace

And show them grace.

God on high

Hear my prayer

Take me now

To thy care

Where You are

Let me be

Take me now

Take me there

Bring me home

Bring me home.

Galadriel, along with the other Elves preparing to depart, appear beside Frodo.

Galadriel:

Frodo, I bless your name

Frodo:

I am ready, Galadriel

Galadriel:

Frodo, lay down your burden

Frodo:

At the end of my days

Galadriel:

You destroyed Sauron's Ring

Frodo:

It took the rest of my life. 

Galadriel:

And you'll see Eternal Spring...

Sam and Rosie ride up suddenly, and in tears.

Sam:

Frodo, Frodo, I do not understand!

Are you alright? They said you'd gone away.

Frodo:

Samwise, my friend, is the quest over now?

Thank God, thank God, I've lived to see this day.

Sam:

It's you who must forgive a thoughtless fool

It's you who must forgive a thankless man

It's thanks to you that I am living

And again I lay down my life at your feet.

Rosie, this hobbit is a saint.

When the Ring threatened us

He took it from Hobbiton

Weighed a bloody ton

Then brought me home to you!

Frodo: (to Sam)

Now you are here

Again beside me

Now I can leave in peace

For now my life is blessed...

Sam:

You will live, Frodo, you're going to live

It's too soon, too soon to say goodbye!

Frodo:

Yes, Samwise, forbid me now to die

I'll obey,

I will try.

(He hands Sam Bilbo's Red Book – There and Back Again)

On this page

I write my last confession.

Read it well

When I at last am sleeping.

It's the story

Of those who always loved peace.

Your master gave his life for Hobbiton

Then gave it to your keeping.

The other Elves, including Glorfindel and Haldir appear.

Galadriel:

Come with me

Where Rings will never bind you

All your grief

At last, at last behind you.

Lord in Heaven,

Look down on him in mercy.

Frodo:

Forgive me all my trespasses

And take me to your glory.

Glorfindel and Haldir:

Take my hand

And lead me to salvation.

Take my love,

For love is everlasting.

The Elves and Frodo:

And remember

The truth that once was spoken

To love another person

Is to see the face of God!

Chorus:

Do you hear the people sing

Lost in the valley of the night?

It is the music of a people

Who are climbing to the light.

For the wretched of the earth

There is a flame that never dies.

Even the darkest night will end

And the sun will rise.

They will live again in freedom

In the garden of Mandos.

They will walk behind the plough-share,

They will put away the sword.

The chain will be broken

And all men will have their reward.

Will you join in our crusade?

Who will be strong and stand with me?

Somewhere beyond the War of the Ring

Is there a world you long to see?

Do you hear the people sing?

Say, do you hear the distant drums?

It is the future that they bring

When tomorrow comes!

Will you join in our crusade?

Who will be strong and stand with me?

Somewhere beyond the War of the Ring 

Is there a world you long to see?

Do you hear the people sing?

Say, do you hear the distant drums?

It is the future that they bring

When tomorrow comes...

Tomorrow comes!


End file.
